LATEST!!! UPDATE!!! 02-01-2010

I screwed up about half the links I sent out. People who should have got one, didn't. People I've never heard of, did. Heh! I'll not be doing in mass mailing again. I was laughing at myself until the emails kept flooding in. The buy a DVD-get a Global Swarming deal is over. Sold out of the books. The buy anything, get Dunkin III free deal is over. If you did not receive your dunkin 3 link and you bought something since Zane, use the CONTACT form above and I'll get it to you.

HAR! I hope you did not expect a smooth rollout of your Dunkin 3 downloads. Heh! It seems I have inadvertantly placed chapter 28 as an mp4 file. I quickly sobered when apprised of this inexplicable anomaly and uploaded a new one in mp3 format on the lugwrench feed. You could convert it yourself but  it is on the feed, also has been updated on the download links.

I have sent links out. Let me know if you have not received them. Use th contact form above. I don't store your info, just date sold and email address, so I need an actual email address to send to. This is my first attempt at a mass mailing from a database. I'm sure I screwed it up.The link leads either toi a single zip file containing the last 7 chapters (25-31) or a link to a folder containing seven zip files. I had to spread it out for bandwidth reasons and to hold down costs. ENJOY DUNKIN 3!!!

FIRST OFF A HUGE FRIGGIN' THANKS TO ALL OF YOU!

I appreciate your emails, your purchases, and your alarmingly poor taste in entertainment. Dunkin III is done. Recorded, edited, zipped. Ready. I'll start sending out links to you who get it free in a couple days (I gotta read through it one final time and ensure I'm delivering the least quality product possible). You will be downloading a single zipped file with seven chapters (25-31)Approx. 100 megs. Hope you enjoy it and use this post to make Dunkin III comments. I'll disappear for a while after it is distributed. Make sure and get the first 24 off the Lugwrench feed or at iTunes NOW. I will take them down soon. I don't have the bandwidth to keep that many gigs active—it eats into my rum fund.

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PRIOR NEWS

Okay, Dunkin the Vampire Slayer III: It Ain't Over Til the Fat Man Stings is just about ready. All a youse lovely folks who have bought something since the release of Zane Sickle will get it free. But, in order to keep my server from choking I will have to release it in shifts. You will need to get the first 24 chapters from my Lugwrench feed.  (download the media files by clicking once and choosing save in the dialog box that appears) Or get them from iTunes, Zune, etc. I will send a link via email for the remaining chapters. Probably starting sometime next week. For those who have never bought anything, I have no idea when I will get it released.

But, there is still time to buy a six-buck audiobook download. OR!!! I still have a few GCC SuperCraptacular DVD's where you get the DVD, all the audiobooks AND a signed copy of Global Swarming paperback for $24.95 (U.S. Shipments only. International I gotta have an extra five bucks shipping)

This is the feed address for the Lugwrench for those who dislike iTunes:  veinarmor.libsyn.com/rss

DON'T LISTEN NOW!

(I left the 'don't listen now' for those who are bitchin' because it took me a week to finish up the edits. I told ya! It's not my fault ya don't pay attention. I write fast, edit slow, and drink steady. Do the math)

I get a metric crapload of emails from readers and listeners. I try to reply to everyone... when I’m sober. Sometimes even when I’ve, uh, err, swallowed a huge quantity of rum. Those of you who have received a drunken email can attest to the ‘fuzziness’ of those responses. During the holiday season I generally end every communication with “Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Buddha Birthday, Allah, Allah, Oxenfree or whatever it is you celebrate.”

This makes some folks curious enough to ask what I celebrate.

I celebrate everything. I love ‘em all. It’s a friggin’ excuse to smile and have a medicinal drink. I love Christmas. Merry Fraggin’ Christmas. This nation has a long tradition of celebrating Christmas. Christmas is HUGE! Some people get offended. They are assbags.

They are the same kind of dolt who moves across the street and refuses to mow the lawn because they don’t believe in it. (Actually you’re just a lazy bastard) I’m sure some green puke will cry about the lawnmower spewing carbon monoxide. Hey, little Einstein. Photosynthesis and thus oxygen production increases during rapid growth. Older plants have a higher ratio of respiration (production of carbon monoxide) to photosynthesis (oxygen production).  Mowing shit seems to promote rapid growth because as soon as I get off the mower the crap’s already heading north for my ankles. So by mowing the lawn I believe I’m creating fresh air. Plus, and more important, dickhead—we mow our friggin’ lawns here! (Plus, when your grass gets high enough I'll flatten your tires with an icepick while yer snoring and dreaming of shit to whine about)

Probably 200 million Americans celebrate Christmas. It’s not just a religious thing. It’s a welcome celebration that there is snow up to your ass—but it’s halfway over (unless you live in bumfuck Maine or something—and by the way, your summer will be on Thursday next year). It’s a time of wonder for children. It’s a cultural bedrock that accompanied a nation that, if I need to remind you, actually has shit that works. Electricity, sewers, schools, etc. Things don’t work because of government; they work in spite of it. People make things work. Everyday folks who slog through and get stuff done, day in-day out. Rain or shine. They look forward to celebrations. They look forward to an exciting break in the routine. They look forward to Christmas if only because it makes their children's eyes' go wide with joy. But, a handful of freaks cry about being offended and a whole nation pins its tail between its legs and slinks off to PoliticallyCorrect land. Why don’t you take your liberal, pansy ass over to Syria and start bitching about having to step over idiots on a prayer rug howling toward Mecca. See how that nonsense is received.

The big stores execs enact policies that avoid mentioning Christmas, yet they stock the shelves with Christmas junk. Hypocrites. Worthless slugs I hope get afflicted with horrid hemorrhoids. Who cares if it’s a big consumption spectacle? What the fuck do you do for a living? You ain’t manufacturing anything because the US doesn’t actually build stuff any longer. It’s all made somewhere else for what the US working-age populace would describe as slave wages.  There’s an 80% chance yer peddling shit. Sixty of every hundred cars you see tooling back and forth are on their way to a meeting so they can peddle something. The majority of Americans are selling stuff to each other. It’s the new economy. So quit your whining about Christmas. Without it, you’d likely be unemployed.

Should we be consuming so much worthless Chinese crap built so cheap yer lucky if it lasts long enough to unpack? Who cares. It’s none of my business. Should we be celebrating? Hell yes.

I know if  I go in some dark bar next week on Christmas Eve and say Merry Christmas and some rube hears it and gets offended. I can politely wish him or her a Merry Gofuckyourself. And if it’s a guy, and he really doesn’t like it, there’s nothing better to cap off Christmas than hitting some assbag so hard your hand swells up to the size of your foot and ya can’t move yer fingers for two days and the bail bondsman you keep on speed dial is in Key West drinking Rum Runners, and yer in a cell with some pinch-eyed bastard who never got anything for Christmas and he’s staring at yer ass...

Anyway, I end my emails with the all-inclusive “Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Buddha Birthday, Allah, Allah, Oxenfree or whatever it is you celebrate” because I think it’s funny. Plus, you might be one of those scumbuckets who will sue me and then, when my bail bondsman gets me out, anal virginity hopefully intact, I can celebrate the New Year by stomping you and your lawyer's ass.

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

Oh, and here's my world famous Jingle Bells and The Night Before Christmas

Now I really have to get moving. It's past time for my annual drin... walkabout.

Dunkin the Vampire Slayer III: It Ain't Over Til the Fat Man Stings

It's gonna be a good year. I am guaranteeing release of all these at some point, by April.

I went to see a palm reader the other day. I wanted to get my palm read and see if the shipment of paperbacks was gonna arrive soon and if I'd ever make enough sales to release Dunkin III, It Ain't Over Til the Fat Man Stings—the FINAL installment in the beloved Dunkin Trilogy. She grabbed my hand, took one look and declared, "You're an asshole!"

Crimany! I coulda called an old girlfriend if I wanted to hear that nonsense. Anyway, all of you have recently (like this past week) taken advantage of the BUY THE CRITES DVD AND GET THE GLOBAL SWARMING SIGNED PAPERBACK FREE offer, well, I'm waiting for the next shipment of books to arrive (I didn't order many cuz didn't think you people bought books. Hell, I thought you just wanted to hear my voice). Should be here any time. Which means you can still take advantage of the deal— buy the craptacular DVD (signed, numbered, limited to only 999 and selling fast), get the paperback free. Both signed and shipped together.

Bad news on the overseas or international shipping. I have checked and double checked. It costs like 7 or 8 bucks just to ship overseas to Ireland, or Australia, or Denmark, etc. So I'd have to get fifteen bucks for a paperback instead of the nine bucks US buyers get it for (free shipping) International shipping costs are a HUGE pain-in-the-keister (see this USPS link I used to figure it out). So, if you really want the book, that's what I gotta charge. However, if ya want the book and the DVD, just buy the DVD for 24.95 US and I'll ship both in the same envelope and eat the shipping.

OH! And I watched one of the greatest movies ever made. HAR! How the hell did I miss this movie? Shoot 'Em Up with Clive Owen? Who knows. Who cares. That friggin' movie rocked!  Complete balls-out nonsense from the beginning to the end. That's the kinda movie I want to watch. Fraggin' bullets flying from the first frame to the last.

Oh! And I'm doing the final edits on the Dunkin III manuscript. Adding some shit here, deleting some great litrachur passages there—bringing the thing down to my standards. May start recording in a couple weeks so it'll be ready when we hit 3000 sales. I'm also trying to get in at least 1500 words a day on new books. For all you folks doing nano, good luck. Not that ya need luck. Ya just need words—so do some typing!

Global Swarming