Clodcast 30 Is Live!
Last Updated on Sunday, 06 September 2009 13:12
Here is the new Literary Lugwrench Clodcast. RIGHT ON TIME! As usual,. HAR! This one features a story entitled: Statistically Improbable Mated Words Related to Mating
or Oxymorons for Couples by Eden Stone (Jenn) and me, The Hack! Eden Stone is a fine writer of romance novels, and I have read her work—and liked it! I didn't learn anything about writing romance scenes, as anyone can tell from my scant romantic literary interludes. HAR! But it ain't Eden's fault. You can visit her blog at: http://edenstone.blogspot.com
Clodcast #30
The Clodcast #30 'Oxymorons by Edenstone and GCC' DIRECT DOWNLOAD HERE:
This story copyright eden stone and greg crites 2007. All rights reserved.
Statistically Improbable Mated Words Related to Mating
or Oxymorons for Couples
... an article in Cosmopolitan Four-Wheeler Magazine
‘Military Intelligence', ‘Government Organization', ‘Jumbo Shrimp'? These are all Oxymorons or ‘conjoining contradictory terms. Sometimes blatantly incongruous, sometimes subtly absurd. With ‘reckless caution,' we will explore the ‘round edges' and ‘insane logic' behind certain contradictory terms relating to relationships. We hope the reading of this does not result in an ‘amicable divorce'.
In the interest of ‘unbiased predisposition', this ‘tragic comedy' is organized with the ladies view of an oxymoron term first, followed by the man's view on that same term. Two writers were brought together, a male and a female, each charged with penning their own thoughts on a mutually agreed upon list of oxymorons. The female writer, somewhat in a funk suggested we just remove the OXY from the term and use what was left as a rebuttal for all the male thoughts. The editors of ‘Cosmopolitan Four-Wheeler Magazine' thought this a bit harsh and gently requested more elaboration. The females opening volley was a poem. This of course opened an initial rift between the sexes by forcing the male to craft his own poem. We knew it started a rift as the male's first reading engendered a colorful, ten-minute long, amazingly thorough verbal iteration of crude invective.
THE LADIES
You say I don't cook enough
I say you've gained fifteen pounds
You say I'm perfect,
then tell me how to change
I sigh, and say, my life is not the same
You look, and say, 'Babe, what time's the game?"
THE MAN
You say your arm hurts
I rub for hours
You say I stink
I take a shower
You say, my life is empty,
down the drain
I say, ‘Man, it sure looks like rain'
English causes many a rift
Solid partners now set adrift
PASSIVE AGGRESSION - Female
This is the male's version of making a decision in the household. It mainly consists of the female asking, "Honey, what do you think of this paint color?" only to be told, "Whatever you decide will be fine." However, the female quickly learns that this is shorthand for "If I don't make a decision now, I'll reserve the right to bitch about it, later."
PASSIVE AGGRESSION - Male
This is the females withholding her feminine charms when the male does anything, or when the wind changes direction.
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM - Female
This is the male's idea of being helpful. A constructively critical husband will kindly point out everything his lady does wrong, while being generous enough to explain how to do it right. Of course, the right way is anyway the man happens to do something.
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM - Male
"Honey, in the future when steam is pouring out from under the hood and you can barely see to drive, find a safe place to pull over and park. These engines are about as costly as that new furniture you wanted." Is this diplomatic enough for the lady? NOOOO! She is now crying and citing this mild statement as yet another example of a ‘condescending attitude', ‘mental cruelty' and overall ‘belittlement'. Phooey.
CASUAL INTIMACY-Female
This is the woman's ultimate test. What men do not know, and will never understand, is that they are much more likely to get lucky if they resist the urge to grope any body part within reach, when his lady wants a hug. Controlling this urge proves to the woman that the man cares enough about her to keep his hands to himself, if only for the moment.
CASUAL INTIMACY
The female just wants a hug, while the male just wants a hump. ‘Casual intimacy' is another fantasy like ‘civilized warfare'. If the man just gives you a hug, and does not cop a squeeze of something soft, he's tired, or he's given up on you and is dreaming of his secretary.
It's like a ‘firm pillow' or a ‘fresh raisin', in the man's eye, ‘a hug is just the first step in the thousand mile walk to the bedroom. It's a ‘highly visible covert operation'.
ED. NOTE: (The male writer, who just looked up oxymoron and whose attention span is somewhat limited, has descended into a game of seeing how many oxymorons he can include in his responses.)
UNDERSTANDING HUSBAND-Female
This is a husband who does not expect to get lucky for every good deed done- instead, he does something nice simply for the sake of doing something nice. He can do the dishes if his lady's tired, without heading straight to the bedroom and stripping when he's done.
UNDERSTANDING WIFE-Male
An ‘understanding wife' is the equivalent of a ‘half-naked' wife.
An understanding wife says to her errant man after getting drunk and being rolled out of a cab after the season ending softball game, ‘Oh poor baby, celebrated a little too hard did you.' What this means is, ‘Childish, immature cretin, I'll kick your carcass over if you're passed-out and choking, but you are going to pay through the nose forever. Oh, and you're never getting laid again.'
Marital Bliss- Female
This is not as complicated as men make it seem. Marital Bliss is fully attainable, and we women know it. We also have complete faith that one of these days, the men will catch on, as well. For example, the day that our man notices our new haircut on the day we get it cut. It'll come even quicker when we ask our significant other how we look, and get an opinion that is not "You look fine. Can we go now?"
MARITAL BLISS - Male
I liken marital bliss to a ‘mean smile'. There are days of bliss and there are days when a mean smile and a generous portion of yard work become the only ‘incomplete cure'.
Silent Women - Female
We're not stupid. In fact, we can take a hint. Making us repeat the same sentence five times is like waving a red flag in our face. War will be declared, and silence is our weapon of choice.
SILENT WOMEN - Male
She may be silent, looking with ‘intense disinterest' at a small nail hole she asked you to repair six months previously, but this is a ‘silent scream', a ‘silent yell', a ‘silent speech', a ‘quiet riot'. This silence is a concert of boiling imprecations, just waiting for the ‘initial conclusion' to a carefully chronicled litany of verbal expletives. Or in plain English, you are about to hear everything wrong you ever did. Ever. You think Saint Peter has a line on your transgressions, he gets ‘em from your mate.
Married Life - Female
Women see married life as a reason to be with the man of our dreams for the rest of our lives, while the men see married life as a sure-fire way to have a home cooked meal every night for the rest his life. Not to mention he'll no longer have to leave the house to look for nookie.
MARRIED LIFE - Male
‘Married life' is like ‘Middle East Peace'. You wake each day with the war going on around you, as you negotiate terms of surrender while new hostilities are flaring up like weeds in the yard you forgot to mow. You have a ‘limited lifetime guarantee' on short periods of tranquility punctuated by butt-clenching confrontation about nothing at all. It's Seinfeldian!
FEMALE LOGIC - Female
This consists of only a few things. When the beer bottle is empty, pick it up and throw it in the garbage on your way to get the next one. Also, if your youngest child gets lost in the grass in the front yard, it might be time to consider mowing the lawn. And, finally, if the dishes in the sink irritate you so much when you get home from work, wash 'em your damn self.
MALE LOGIC - Male
If your lawnmower deck was bigger, you would spend less time mowing. If you spray cologne on your shirt, it is clean. If you poured sand on your yard, covered it with astroturf, placed silk flowers around in an aesthetically pleasing arrangement, you would have a beautiful yard year-round. Tomorrow is always a good day to fix something.
SENSITIVE MALE - Female
A sensitive guy is not afraid to let his emotions hang out- if he's out of beer, he's not afraid to show anger. If the White Sox defeat all known odds in the Universe and win the World Series, they're not afraid to scream with joy. And if the wife gets tired enough of picking up his dirty socks off the bedroom floor, and kicks him, um, somewhere where it hurts, he's not afraid to cry. He will, however, show stoic masculinity when his wife is in labor, casually mentioning that it cannot possibly hurt that bad.
SENSITIVE FEMALE - Male
I argued that this term should not be included. Not only does this in no way qualify as an oxymoron, but in fact the two words are interchangeable. ‘I am going to the bar to pick up a female', ‘I am going to the bar to pick up a sensitive'. Both words work equally well as a descriptive term. Female's or ‘Sensitive's are apt to shed tears while walking by a nicely laid out garden. They are sensitive to everything, particularly so if you are in any way involved in it.
ADULT MALE -Female
This is the rare, highly enlightened species that knows, and fully understands that- logical or not- his lady is always right.
ADULT FEMALE-Male
This is the blessed end of this piece, and it's been fun acting as if I possessed freewill during the above exchanges. Playing with the Oxymorons was highly amusing and for a moment I thought I might have had a chance of making a point, but sanity reclaimed its hold, and I knew I might as well have removed the OXY from oxymoron and prefaced it with ‘I am a'. So in the interest of personal safety and domestic tranquility I must admit, ‘yeah, she's always right'. Now I wonder if she'll model this new nightie I bought for her...