veinarmory

I’m late! I’m worthless! I’m busy working out-of-town… I’m just now answering last weeeks emails. Someday I’ll get my shit together, but guess what, today ain’t that day. Har!

Below is the description for this week’s episode:

Literary Lugwrench Clodcast-3
A short, violent, angry episode in which I discuss absolutely nothing about writing. There is an episode wherein I am lost in the Self Help section of a large bookstore. I call it Self Hell. Oh, and Kat Nove delivers a dedication for a book she hasn’t written yet. Heh! [ratings]

http://veinarmor.libsyn.com/rss

Finally, episode two is here: http://veinarmor.libsyn.com/rss A short episode, but I been busy earning money to eat! Har! Besides, I’m only two days late. We have Kat Nove ranting about The Whole World. My drabble story I won a hundred bucks with Leaving Marlboro Country, and a discussion of description using James Lee Burke’s novel, Tin Roof Blowdown as an example the ‘good non-boring kind’.

Here’s my winning flash story, for which I was paid a hundred bucks (a buck a word!) and a few posts about it. I’m putting it here as an example of what to submit for our Flash Drabble Contest.

Leaving Marlboro Country

I made an exaggerated John Wayne strut over to my wife.

“Happy New Year, little lady,” I said in a deep, nearly flawless imitation of the Duke.

She smiled and leaned into my chest, expecting and deserving the hug that made us both feel better.

She went to the ladies room.

I thought to myself. One year, and I made it. It’s time to say goodbye for good. I don’t need you anymore. You were always there, a crutch. I can make it without you now.

I crushed the year-old, unopened pack of cigarettes and tossed it in the trash.

Here’s a few reviews received for this 100 word drabble. I removed the names to protect the innocent! Read the rest of this entry »

Okay, I’m gonna sweeten the deal on the main website. I’m selling out my junk and the hovel I write this crap in— as many of you know. Buying a sailboat—I’m single, so nobody’s gonna complain about bein’ cramped up with a certified A’Hole. (That’s a picture of me on some friggin’ Caribbean island. See how happy I look. Even though my washboard stomach has now, after fifty years, entered the ‘Gentle Cycle’.) I’m only making a thousand of these dvd’s—and I’m signing every one. But, those thousand buyers get their name up here on the wall of lame, AND… each of you get all my current novels (PDF and mp3 on the massive dvd) PLUS!!! You get all the others I am hard-at-work turning into audiobooks, delivered early… as soon as they are finished… with no damn ads… way before anyone else. PLUS! I just started a new adventure book, and you intelligent, discriminating folks will get it first. That’s right: you get it before anyone, and I mean ‘anyone’ else gets it. But, only after 999 signed and numbered copies are purchased. Oh, and you get entered into the SONY Reader giveaway. We’re gonna pick one of you out of the 999 lucky Kanudeson’s, using the time honered PICK-THREE lottery drawing from whatever state I’m hiding out from the IRS in, and give you a new Sony reader pre-loaded with my hackery!

Let’s make this happen. Let’s make some history here. Set some kinda record. You know you enjoy my nonsense style of storytelling. This is the kind of escapist entertainment folks kept in their back pocket before the invention of air conditioning. I absolutely guarantee hundreds of hours of entertainment. In the meantime, while you’re buying this spectacular entertainment package, I’m trying to figure out how to sail a boat, but I’m still stuck on the knot-tying part. I’ll get it. I’m also teaching myself Spanish (just to prove I can) and I’m outlining this next novel—which you are going to enjoy.

I have three books in the can and ready to add to my current inventory of the eight completed novels on the DVD. If we make this happen before the end of 2008—I’ll throw those new books in as well. You’ll get a code to download the new books. We can do this, folks. Just tell your friends. Make the purchase, and enjoy. My books range from humorous horror, to science fiction, to adventure (and even a book some have called…GASP! YA).

I’m definitely hanging up the tool belt. (See the ridiculous type of stuff I do. Mill. route, resaw, and bend handrails) Screw it all! Few appreciate craftsmanship in this plastic age. I’m gonna take my 6′4″, 220 pound pizza-scarfin carcass out and ply the ocean, write, drink rum, and try not to sink.

Oh, and if anyone is handy with Director or whatever your preferred program is for Interactive DVD Interface design, and want to do some work on the front-end for a piece of the action, let me know. The freakin’ front-end I built sucks. I have the art, I just need someone to implement the back-end lingo and make the noises play, the links pop, and the files accessible from within the interface.

This campaign is gonna reverberate across the web and yer gonna want to be a part of storyteller-on-a-ocean-pub-float history. Click link below to buy and make sure your name is forever scrawled on the Wall of lame!

FINISHED!

In this, the second book in the series, Devlin, the alcoholic vampire, goes head-to-head with the Devil in a no-holds-barred steel cage match. The outcome could not only cost him the soul he never knew he had, but allow the unfolding of the Apocalypse as outlined in Revelations. If that’s not enough, he’s also being hounded by the IRS, and the woman he loves—but avoids, has tired of chasing him and started on-line dating through EMatchHarmony.com. Will he lose his soul? His girlfriend? His liquor license? Will the world be hurled into the final phase of the Biblically prophesied Armageddon?

Can Devlin survive the Breath of Death? Can he resist the charms of Lilith the seducer? Can he defeat Hell Hounds, The Leviathan, Hell’s horde of lawyers? And if so, what about the Devil himself? Surely not even Devlin can stand against the Prince of Darkness…

The final edits are finished—another 65,000 words. This ain’t litrachur, folks. This is the cheapjack pulp storytelling you used to get shipped in plain brown paper so’s to not embarrass you in front of yer neighbors. I may think about recording this one if there seems to be any interest…Har! I mean, Devlin One only had 20,000 downloads since it went up a couple months ago. I was certain this stuff would be popular. I may have to switch to writin’ romance.

My brother told me to take care things while he’s working south. I’m tired of it. People complaining. Ordering stuff. Asking questions I can’t answer. He’ll be back tomorrow, Saturday, because I told him I’m tired of this crap and people are giving him bad reviews. He’s not the only sneaky one. Here’s something he emailed and told me to post. Don’t ask me what it means.

Click

Click…boom.

When editing the Dunkin episodes, I added some free promos for other podiobooks and this is apparently something I was not supposed to do. I was unaware of this. Anyway, I have to dig around in the files to find and remove any promos. Unfortunately, I’m putting on the tool-belt, loading up the nail-gun, and heading south for some carpenterin’; then I’m looking at a couple sailboats on the Loozeeanna coast, so I ain’t got time to screw with fixing the episodes right now. I’ll fix ‘em when I get back from building stuff outta wood.

It’s official. Dunkin will release on the 23rd of July, all 30 chapters! The inaugural podcast of Literary Lugwrench will air July 22nd. There will be no at-large submissions read, because you are all too chickenshit to send anything. Har! Nah, I’m sure you feared the massive evisceration; but it ain’t that bad (check out my less-than-fawning review of a mainstream novel).  Okay…I know not enough people are aware we’re doing this clodcast thing yet. Besides, I managed to jabber away about some interesting tips for writing and some other useful stuff. ALSO! I included a complete read of a short story I’ve been offered money for, but not enough…so they can kiss my ass.

So you get Dunkin, the audiobook, plus a podcast and a GREAT story (if I must say so myself.,..and I must) AND an opportunity to log into a live chat with The Hack and his co-conspirators on the 22nd. Mark this on yer calendars and take advantage of the chance to call me a icky name and receive the kind of instant gratification you MTV rodents require. I think to do this chat thing, you have to add…uhh, ignatiousriley to yer chat buddies, then click that and join. I don’t chat much, so if anyone knows better, let me know and I’ll update the instructificationary section of this post. CYA THERE! AACK! NO CHAT! I just found out I have to build some cedar hot tub room out of town and far south. So the chat thing is canceled. Reschedule after I shoot the last nail.

sneekpeek….

If you get this in your browser from following the link:
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http://media.libsyn.com/media/veinarmor/LitLugClodcast-1.mp3

That’s right! Head on over to podiobooks.com or iTunes and search greg crites for the goodies. I’m gonna try and have the inaugural podcast of Literary Lugwrench ready at the same time, and do a AIM chat thingie so you can log in and nag me about some shit I mispronounced, or for being foul-mouthed, or whatever. I have a book review from that notoriously foul-mouthed Kat Nove in hand, so that’ll be a part of every podcast. Also, since I mentioned Kat, (who is using a psuedonym…I think it’s actually Danielle Steele) her work singlehandedly places this podcast in the ‘VERBOTEN FOR CHILDREN’ category. EXPLICIT! Disgustipatin’! Heh! Not really, she’s hilarious and I think I’m a good judge of hilarity.

On another sad note, I’ve been kicked off yet another job site. I didn’t hit anyone or shoot ‘em with a nailgun this time, which is a good sign. The other workers (and I use that term lightly) just thought I looked as if I might throttle someone. But I didn’t. So I think my personally designed anger management program is working. (I go by once a week and drop a bag of dog shit on the steps in front of the anger management class storefront)

I pulled the Dunkin chapters. Quite a few downloads in two days (don’t want to exceed my bandwidth limits and pay the surcharge). Now you’ll just have to wait until the official release on July 23, 2008.

Email your 300 word submission to HERE. Include the title and whether it is from a novel or short story.  Include your blurb or short (two paragraph) synopsis. Oh, and use the word ‘BLURB’ in the subject line.

By doing so, you authorize Literary Lugwrench to read your work aloud and comment upon it in what might be a negative manner.  We will choose at least one every episode, and maybe more if I’m too lazy to write a lot of stuff that week.